Assumptions

There are two assumptions that I need to keep in mind. With the hope that I do not make the mistake of making again. Each with vaying degrees of difficulty.

The first is forgetting my age. I have always found it difficult to act the way I believe someone my age should act, at any time in my life. It is getting easier when the mirror reflects better, but still a life time of bad habit to overcome.
The second is assuming that the son of Adam cares.

Are you not being more than a little unfair?

I do not think so Lucifer. Not any more. I started this journey as a way of saying what I would not aloud. There were times I knew I was heard, other times when I wondered. No more. I continue this journey to provide myself with markers. Stones to mark the boundaries of my depths, remind myself, warn myself, give myself something to measure against. If I am not read, then this is just for me and I will go on regardless. If I am read, so be it. But it just goes to prove the validity of my second assumption.


But if you are read, does it not show that he does care? That he wishes to see how you are?

No. For what is done with the knowledge then? No comment has ever been made regarding things said here, no words of either comfort or acknowledgement. I can claim little knowledge of the nature of the son of Adam, but there is one thing I do know. He wishes for knowledge, for with knowledge comes understanding and power. I accept my failing in providing that, but I would hope that I have finally reached the point where I no longer care. I can feel the lie of that under the barrier, but it is an easy barrier to keep in place at present.

Humiliation

There are few things I hate in life more than making an idiot of myself. What I find so frustrating in that is that it generally comes when I am trying to find out why things are so wrong. I say and do things to try and work out if damage control is appropriate, only to have things shot out from under me in such a way that makes me realise there is nothing left to salvage.

Not that there is any real problem there. I am not so valuable that my worth is important. What is painful is how I must be perceived. I do not like the thought that I am pitied. So to be the object of the figurative pat on the head and sympathetic smile with placating words? My only saving thought is that the laughter is not shared. Small mercies indeed, but in this light, I should be grateful for that. Sweet Lucifer, the pain is exquisite! Again I am caught acting the fool. Again I say, never again!

I will read this again. I hope in time to stop myself from ever trying to find what has been lost to me again. It has gone! And no matter how much I want it back, think I need it, it is fairly obvious that it has well and truly gone. I can wish all I want. Days like today provide opportunity as to the futility of my wishes. Talk about being shot down in flames. The self-defeating spiral can only bring me to my oblivion. But how sweet that seems at this moment. Lucifer, give me peace!

Timely reminder

Once again I give you thanks dear angel. A timely reminder that I have no place to get complacent, I have no place. Though I can be somewhat thankful for the type of reaction this time. It seems to be just a sad acceptance of the inevitable. Much better than the firey green of last time. Could this be another indication of how far I have moved away? I can hope so.

Almost time

So, Lucifer, that is the trick?


There is no trick. It has always been a matter of choice. You choose to do, or not do. It is as simple as that.


And at times as difficult. But I see your point. These days I choose to smother, to put down each and every thought. Sometimes all it needs is a redirection of focus, as the days are always busy. Other times, when things are more persistent, it requires an application of a little more energy. But there are plenty of negative concepts that can be used and I no longer feel the need, or want, to dwell on things. But it is easier these days, for one reason or another, there is no longer the preoccupation that has been and in one way that relieves me greatly.


And in other ways you are scared.


In some ways. For is that not the sum of my existance? What will be left when I have gone? I feel the dissolving, the almost sun-washing of colour, but this time I really believe that I do not care. Days can pass with only minor effort. Is this what is meant? Serious effort is required at first, then each new hurdle is a little less, easier to overcome? Then before you know it, a week has gone with only one minor hiccough and then days since then. So how will I know? And will it be success or failure? Why is it so different now?


You will know when you no longer need to ask me. It will be success and failure. It is time.

Lost the plot

I think that I have finally recognised what is happening here. Or more precisely, what has happened.

I have just come back from doing some wandering. Links from other places have taken me to realms that may be more familiar to others that are supposedly new to me. What I found most strange, were there were new things that were not new at all. There was a familiarity in a stranger that was more than slightly disturbing, their words said nothing new to me. Except to tell me that I am doing this all wrong perhaps? We shall see.

Still, to go off on a different tangent, I find it more than confusing when two perspectives of the same incidence are so totally conflicting. Had a conversation today that shed a completely different light on something that was going on over the past weekend. So which is the true? In actuallity, it matters not one jot. And I dont think I am even going to bother trying to find out.

Another thing that was also shown to me with time away. Just how easily can I be distracted? There is some measure of comfort to be had in the thought that my focus could now be broken, given what I now know, how readily my head can be turned. All I need is another type of game to play. And now that this one has lost its appeal, what better time to look around?

Lessons

There are a lot of things I do not need at this point in my existance. Foremost amongst that is some sanctimonious arrogant youth preaching to me under the guise of teaching. I make enough of a fool of myself without others playing me for the fool. So I will not accept being told what to do. Or not do. By anyone. Especially when offered as a supposed favour. As if at this stage I do not know my own faults. Look on my words and works Lucifer, and then dare to tell me that I do not know why it is that I am here.


You are never beyond the need to be taught.


Then if that is true, teach me something I did not know.

ish

There are times like now when I really wonder. About a great many things. Sometimes it brings me down, rarely lifts me up, more often leaves me in limbo.

More than anything I would understand. I do not know a great many things. It does not matter, this I know all too well. These days for most of the time I can accept that.

But once in a while I want to know. What is the purpose? Is there a place for me? What is wanted? What is known?

Lucifer, why do I talk to you, knowing I will be known? Why do I want to be known, knowing I will learn nothing in return? What makes me seek the contact whenever I get the chance, take any and every opportunity to the point of harrassment? Do I have so little self worth, or too much pride?

Irrelevant questions. To both myself and others. The mood then passes when I remember my place. Insanity has me here, reality would have me deleted.




You know why you talk to me.