Humiliation

There are few things I hate in life more than making an idiot of myself. What I find so frustrating in that is that it generally comes when I am trying to find out why things are so wrong. I say and do things to try and work out if damage control is appropriate, only to have things shot out from under me in such a way that makes me realise there is nothing left to salvage.

Not that there is any real problem there. I am not so valuable that my worth is important. What is painful is how I must be perceived. I do not like the thought that I am pitied. So to be the object of the figurative pat on the head and sympathetic smile with placating words? My only saving thought is that the laughter is not shared. Small mercies indeed, but in this light, I should be grateful for that. Sweet Lucifer, the pain is exquisite! Again I am caught acting the fool. Again I say, never again!

I will read this again. I hope in time to stop myself from ever trying to find what has been lost to me again. It has gone! And no matter how much I want it back, think I need it, it is fairly obvious that it has well and truly gone. I can wish all I want. Days like today provide opportunity as to the futility of my wishes. Talk about being shot down in flames. The self-defeating spiral can only bring me to my oblivion. But how sweet that seems at this moment. Lucifer, give me peace!