Taking the bull by the horns

There are some people that say that to take the bull by the horns is a brave thing to do. For one does not know what the outcomes of such an action will be. To deliberately put oneself into a possibly dangerous position is the actions of a person who has a certain degree of courage. And an even greater degree of possible stupidity.

Lucifer, I took the metaphoric bull today. I gave words today that I had no real intention of giving. I did it because I wanted things clear and known. I believed that my motives were being misinterpreted, that situations were being built on false foundations, and I wanted to clear the air.

I do not think that it was a brave thing to do. It will remain to be seen if it is one of the most stupid or embarassing things I have ever done.

Nature of the beast

It is an ongoing journey Lucifer, discovering what you believe you are, what you would like to be perceived as, what you actually are. Then there are often the relevations that not all are the same thing, or even close. It has happened to me a couple of times in my professional life, the once that hurt a lot, and several times in my personal. Fortunately less public for often that is more hurtful if not more embarassing.

Still, it is sometimes useful to find a word in definition. Ideas can be clarified, sometimes motives revealed. Such is the case with this word. How true is this of my existance?

parasite

1. Biology. An organism that grows, feeds, and is sheltered on or in a different organism while contributing nothing to the survival of its host. An organism that lives on or in an organism of another species, known as the host, from the body of which it obtains nutriment.
2. a person who receives support, advantage, or the like, from another or others without giving any useful or proper return, as one who lives on the hospitality of others.

End?

Lucifer, is that it? I feel that I have reached the limit of my usefulness, that there is nothing more that I can do. I provide no insight, no new knowledge, no words of comfort, no sourse of inspiration. I provide nothing. Not one solitary useful thing. All I seem to do is aggrivate, grate, abrade, cause annoyance, frustration. And the taste is bitter. For what is the point of my existance if instead of giving some pain relief, all I do is scratch the wound and remove any possible healing scab?
So, do you see any purpose in my continued existance?


I have never seen purpose in your existance in the first place, let alone in its continuation.

Gems

Gems are unusual things. Precious, rare, gifts usually from the heart. Not given lightly for there is always some cost to the giver. They should be accepted with gratitude for the same reasons, and taken care of with serious gravity. Lucifer, I was given such a gift the last Friday evening past. For the occasion arose where the question that had been of wonder for me, was asked. And by some miracle, the answer was not the one I expected.

And what will you do with such a gift?

Treasure it. Keep it somewhere secret and safe. It is never to be worn, never to be used. It will only be brought out in special times when I am alone and need some small measure of comfort. It will be held in the curve of my hand and wondered upon, marvelled at, for a moment in time, before being put back away. For it is not something for anyone else to see, for anyone else to even know about. Something that is mine alone.

Not you alone. There is also he that gave it to you. And that is even more precious.

Damn

Then there is the rare find, that just yells out to be ignored and cringed at, but still is so right with the odd phrase that it has to be shared here.

Artist: Hawkins Sophie B Song: Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover

That old dog has chained you up alright
Give you everything you need
To live inside a twisted cage
Sleep beside an empty rage
I had a dream I was your hero
Damn I wish I was your lover
I'll rock you till the daylight comes
Make sure you are smiling and warm
I am everything
Tonight I'll be your mother I will
Do such things to ease your pain
Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed

This monkey can't stand to see you black and blu
Give you something sweet each time you
Come inside my jungle book
What is it just too good
Don't say you'll stay'
Cause then you go away
Damn I wish I was your lover
I'll rock you till the daylight comes
Make sure you are smiling and warm
I am everything
Tonight I'll be your mother I will
Do such things to ease your pain
Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed
Shucks for me there is no other
You're the only shoe that fits
I can't imagine I'll grow out of it
Damn I wish I was your lover

If I was your girl believe me
I'd turn on the Rolling Stones
We could groove along and feel much better
I could do it forever and ever
Let me in
Give me an hour to kiss you
Walk through heaven's door I'm sure
We don't need no doctor to feel much better
Let me in
Forever and ever and ever and ever

I sat on the mountainside with peace of mind
I lay by the ocean making love to her with visions clear
Walked for days with no one near
And I return as chained and bound to you
Damn I wish I was your lover
I'll rock you till the daylight comes
Make sure you are smiling and warm
Damn, I wish I was your lover
Come open up, let me inside, I will make you cry
I am everything
Tonight I'll be your mother I will
Do such things to ease your pain
Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed

Arithmetic

Some songs just speak out. In words that one would like to say. Words that you believe another would like to hear, and more especially not from you but from another. Then there are those that do both, and with some parts that just bring a smile to the face. Like this one.

"Arithmetic"
I've been staring at the sky tonight
Marvelling and passing time
Wondering what to do with daylight
Until I can make you mine
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
I've been thinking of changing my mind
It never stays the same for long
But of all the things I know for sure
You're the only certain one
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been counting up all my wrongs
One sorry for each star
See I'd apologise my way to you
If the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

[Chorus]I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score'
Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic'
Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the oneI want

When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung your song
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want

Picture drawing

Trying to work out the picture is always an interesting business, is it not? Especially when the picture keeps changing in perspective. When there is little point in asking to be shown, you are left to your own devices to try and work it out. So questions are asked, and the response helps with the drawing.

Pieces fall into place, what you thought is not what you discover and you are left to wonder. Especially when the picture you have seems to depend on what pictures others have, or even what you believe is their interpretation of yours. When you wonder what image they hold of you and when you believe that their actions, reactions are based on that, rather than the version you are working on.

Does make things difficult Lucifer.

resolve

I am tired Lucifer. Old and weary. I feel the weight of all my years, all the words that have been said and heard. But more than anything I know how much of a barrier the chasm has become. No, cancel that. I have always believed that I knew how much of a gulf it was. Now I can feel it. So once again I pick up the resolution to shut down and withdraw. For what point is there in anything else. I will speak of this elsewhere, for this is not me at this present.

Cake

Lucifer, I want to have my cake and eat it too.

Why would you think that you would be allowed to do that?

Allowed? When have I ever worried about what I was allowed to do or not? I am far too selfish to consider that as a deterent. Yet I know there are things that are impossible. But you and I both know just how small a step there is between the impossible and the possible. Which is why I have no fear of my worst case senario. That is the impossible. And as for the limit of possible? It is only the real fear of rejection that stops me asking for truth in rumour.

Now

It is time.


No Lucifer.


That is not the correct response.


I cannot.



More correctly, you will not. Therein lies a huge difference. So I will demand of you as to what you learnt with your behaviour yesterday?


I learned nothing.


If nothing new was learnt then I will refresh your memory as to what would have been remembered. What you are. What you are not. Option. Alternative.

Purpose

You do a masterful job Lucifer.

How could I do anything else? As the third thing created how could I not be perfect?You just have to look at some of the purposes I was created for. To give meaning to the term "free choice, free will," by providing an alternative. To act as a barrier so that those that enter my domain can spend eternity regretting the choises they made, especially in rejecting the real master. To provide light so that true nature cannot be hidden. To give music as the way into the soul.

So that is why music in many forms is said to be spiritual, in that it can speak to the soul, talk to the heart, bring you from the heights to the depths and back again. Why music can bring you to your knees, bring you to tears.


And why there are particular favorites that you change, display here, wish to share. For they speak to your heart in ways that often mere words cannot. Music and rhyme touch the mind and soul in ways that other things cannot. It is also a way of speaking that few can take offence at as they are words made and sung by someone other than you, even if you change a word here or there to make the context more relevant. For in truth, just how many of your favorites of recent times do not have one context, one underlying theme?


They speak to and of my pain, my burden. There is some ease in the sharing. Especially when I so easily forget resolve. Tell me Lucifer, I beg you. What do I do now? For the first time ever there was answer, cracks in the silence, in the unknowing. I want more.


What you want and what you get are two entirely different things. Especially when what you want is something you are not entitled to lay any claim upon. You already assume far more than you should. Accept what you have and be satisfied with that. You say that you need and want to know more. Why?


A good question Lucifer. A very good question indeed.

apologies Phil Collins

There's this guy that's been on my mind
All the time,
Sussudio oh oh
Now he don't even know my name
But I think he likes me just the same
Sussudio oh ohOh
if he called me I'd be there
I'd come running anywhere
He's all I need, all my life
I feel so good if I just say the word
Sussudio, just say the word
Oh Sussudio

Now I know that he’s too young
His life has just begun
Sussudio oh ohOoh
Give me a chance, give me a sign
I'll show him anytime
Sussudio oh oh

Ah, I've just got to have him,have him now
I've got to get closer but I don't know how
He makes me nervous and makes me scared
But I feel so good if I just say the word
Sussudio just say the word
Oh Sussudio, oh