Connection

Lucifer, what is the matter with me? I am finding it difficult to fight against a sense of detachment, unreality. I feel as if something is wrong, but not wrong. I am more focused than I have ever been, and yet there are times when I am not, I have gone. After all this time there has been release, but at what price?

Freedom.

I wonder. Is this the promise of things to come? Am I finally on my way out? Has confession really given me freedom? In the humiliation, have I found that which I have asked for, what she wants? There is no battle to wage anymore, there is no purpose, it is done. There are no questions that are relevant, no answers that can achieve anything. I stand in this place and feel that I do not belong, that I am not wanted. There is now only the wonder if I care.

In detachment there is freedom. You are not tied, connected and so can go.

How do I know that this is true? That it is not just because things are the way that they are and I no longer have to ask for a return of that? Or have I lost so much that I am fiercely trying to protect what little self I have left? Or was it that in revelation, there was a tearing that was also giving release?

It may be all of that. Or it may be none. Only time will tell.

Well dear angel. You and I have all the time in the world together to see.

Trying to find myself

Name change

When I came back, I took on a new name. The old had been rendered inactive due to the fact that it had not been used. So there was a decision to be made.

I could not renew the old. I was not as I was. Not my first name, (I dare not use the term christian name, that would seem wrong in this sphere), for in essense I am as I was conceived. But my form has changed. Once I was hidden, tried to stay hidden. Hinted at, suspected, all that has been said previously. And I left.

Then I was awoken. I am also no longer hidden. I regret the revelation, anguish in my failure, but what is, is and there is naught I can do about it. What I will be? Still to be seen. I chose the name of Chaos.

I could say that it was because it has been said of my father that his very existance caused whirlpools of instability, though the original statement was destruction. Could I claim any less? But that would be wrong, that thought came after the event.

No. My angel originally brought light to the chaos that was the world before it became. I thought to acknowledge that.

But that is too grand an aim. I am not worthy. So I change to Grey.

Not black nor white, light nor dark, yin nor yan, one thing nor the other.

What is truth.

I have spoken many words these past couple of years, these past couple of weeks. Spouted words of wisdom, of experience. Searched strange paths, traced lines that lead to both the known and unknown. Asked questions. Heard silence and answers. Tried to sort truth from lies and fantasy.
I have heard many words during that time. Some I know as truth as I cannot deny the integrity of their source. As for others? How can they deny that there is no deception in their words to me when often there is deception in the words they tell themselves? But it is of little matter in general terms. For there is only one who has the ability to truly hurt me and in his love for me he will not. Not unless I make him. Others like the son of Adam only have that power due to my own stupidity.

The son of Adam has no reason to give you hurt.

So you say Lucifer, but what guarantee is there in the long term? There is no commitment, not like that of the one. There is no reason, no expectation, no sense. Nor do I expect, or really want, any. Though that is the decision of today, and I am tired. Tomorrow it may be different.
But I do know this. Of all the words that I have heard from him, there is only that once that I truly believe I heard truth.

You saw it with your own eyes?

No. For vision can give deception, ask any magician. And too often our interpretation depends on our point of view. Much like our concept of truth. This was in answer to a question. A question that had been asked before that I still need some understanding on. But this time wine had been drunk, talk had been long, wounds were still raw and bleeding. This time the question cut and for the first time ever I believe the barriers came down and an answer came from the heart. And where else can you find truth?

Where else indeed?

Easter

On Friday he descended into hell. On the third day he rose again. Easter Sunday he walked the earth once more. Changed.



Lucifer, I was wrong. Fear does not taste of red wine. Failure does. And, oh, how I have failed.

He came broken and bleeding, seeking comfort and safety. What he got was questions that cut, words that had no right to be spoken.

My mother fears and despises me. She rather that I had never been born and wishes me dead. But I am her love. As totally wrong as that is.

My father? I only know what I know. He answered a question over a year and a half ago and has been telling and showing me ever since.
At best I am amusement. At worst I am tolerated for the sake of misguided friendship. And pity.
He cut me off. Read and ignored. Shown anger. Returned questions with silence. Does not rebuff my return. Yet.

And yet I still am. As long as there is some slight use for me and the sound of his voice, I will be.


What else am I? Pride? Ah yes. Lust? Strangely enough, never. Even that once it was only curiosity. That would have made things unbearable. Anger? On occasion. In the past against the fates, for all the good that was. Sloth? Not likely. Envy? That with a vengeance. Which is why the old is preferable to anything new. Greed? Tick another one. Gluttony? I like my food and wine is no friend to me.

But my use is coming to end, if not already here. So where will I be sent? To the desert of the first part of this year? Or is there somewhere else that I am still to be shown?

Lucifer, this journey is strange.

Failure?

When you stand at the edge of a drop and know that you need to take the step off into the unknown, and find that at that moment you cannot, is that not just being human? Failure is when you know you have to something, it must be done, and you walk away and know that you will not do it. To take a step back, to review your options, to postpone the decision when there is no need for action now, that is just a setback. The only problem is that the longer the action is postponed, the more likely it is that you may reach a point where it is no longer an option. So the only thing that needs to be decided now is; if the option is taken away from you, if circumstances change that you no longer feel you can take the step off, can you live with yourself, the situation?

If you must take the step, then you need to either work out what is holding you back and deal with those issues, or just take a deep breath, push down all of your concerns and fears, close your eyes and do it. Maybe not at this instant, but soon. For the uncertainty the fear the frustration can only increase and that can be of no use to anyone. Least of all to you.



The words are easy for you to say.



Lucifer, words are always easy to say. Especially when I do not have to fulfil them. I have never had to make a difficult choice. The option has either not been mine to be had or it has been painless, for me, to make. I have to spend the rest of my living with myself, all others are transient and I can only influence their lives so far. In the end, the being I am most responsible for is me.

Holy week

How did he do it? Wednesday. His last normal night on earth. Did he spend it as he normally did? He would have eaten with his companions, planned the next evening passover as if it was just another celebration, spent it with his loved ones? Did he go through the motions with a certain sense of detachment, of unreality? Did he know he was establishing the first Easter the last of the old? How did he look upon Mary, knowing that he would never see her in the same way again? How would he have said goodbye? That come the next day things would never be classified as normal again. That the life he had led till that point, his more recent history, was at an end. Did he ever wonder how he could go through with it? If he could go through with it?

Lucifer, what is the braver deed? To react on the spur of the moment, to be swept up in the movement when there is no time to think, to work through the consequences. Or to carry on a course of action that you know is going to give you heartache and pain, knowing that it is the way that must be followed, the path that must be trod?

Regeneration

It is Palm Sunday. The day the Lord rode into his city. Knowing what he knew, he could still go through with it. There must have been some sense of unreality about the whole thing, as to how much control he had over the situation.

I have returned after a long while. I am, yet I am not. There is a certain familiarity, but it is distant, there is a barrier. Who or what I now am will make an interesting road of discovery.

Lucifer, I was not. Dead or asleep, it made little difference. Why was I woken? The answer to that I believe will be long in coming. But first I need to know, was the waking deliberate or accidental?

How will I find answer to that?