Change of all and nothing

Well sweet angel, so much the same, so much different. The same, in that I could repeat the same words already written, to the same, if not less, effect. Yet I think I am finally learning what is worth trying to keep and what is not.
But oh so different. My sin took root and, as I predicted, still may be the death of me yet. At the start of our conversations I asked how to get an issue out of my head. I pray that surgery, chemo and radiotherapy as well as the Lord's forgiveness has done enough to be able to keep me here for a while longer. I have taken his promise but I also know I need His strength. He died for my sin. I pray to Him that I do not have to do the same.

Done

Ah, well Lucifer. I guess it is time to not only succumb to the inevitable. Not only do I seem to be fighting a losing battle that I am the only one who does not seem to want to rage, but I must also agree to logic and superiour wisdom. Words spoken by one more knowledgable but I know the truth of them. Together with the blackmail and I really do not have any choice but to surrender. To lay down and die. And to be honest, I think I am glad to do so. I would not want to continue under these circumstances.

So I ask you to spread your wings and envelope me in your blinding light. Take me home away from all this. Take me away from him.

universe

It is strange how ones concept of self depends so much on others. This week has been an example of case in point. So much going wrong, so much negative reactions and what is the one common element? So naturally I assume that since my world revolves around me, then the cause of all the problems must be me.

Yet all it takes is a couple of people to tell me that the reactions are not due to something I have done, but to something else other than me working in their lives, or to give a different reaction, and my perceptions change again. One or two good things happening, positive actions and reactions and I can once again start to allow myself to be me.

But dear angel. It does highlight one concept, makes me wonder one question. I wonder if the son of Adam actually does realise how big a part he is of my universe. I wonder if he knows how much he does mean to me, how much I do care. About him and for him.



Given this set of circumstances, is it either wise, or even your right, to know?

other side

Ah well dear angel. So this is the negative to all the positive of late, the other side of the change. I expected it, but I did not expect the extent. That has taken me by surprise.


Why should it? After all, you know all the cliches.


True. But I did not expect this. It is as if the positives that I have found have dragged out all the negative. The main thing that I thought defined me, at least defined the way I work, has met with so much reaction that I do not want. In fact, there is now only the one that approves, that seeks, that returns.

All others are behind barriers. It is as if the good feelings I have about myself are not viewed as such by any one else. And what I find surprising is just how wide spread that is. There is no person in my sphere that does not react that way. And I mean, no one. At best I believe that all just tolerate my actions. At worst? I do not want to think about what that might be. Best is bad enough.


That is why dogs were created. They give and recieve love and do not ask for much in return.


But this state is sure going to take some getting used to. And only because I have to. To be that limited, to be that restricted, that narrow in focus, is going to have an interesting effect. This is not me. A pet was supposed to be to cater for excess affection, not be the sole recipient. But after all, what choice do I have? It is not as if I can change the attitudes, responses of others. Even if I had the right.


But you will also have me. That then makes two of us. Even if neither of us are of your kind.


Which will have to do I guess. It will just remain to be seen if the negatives manage to drown the positives. I will not go back as I feel good about what I have achieved, but it will remain to be seen what continuing forward will bring.

Feeling

Lucifer, I am wondering if you know what the matter with me is. Despite everything happening around me, the amount of ill feeling, negativity and angst, I am actually feeling really good. It is almost as if it all is washing over me. Sure I get upset about things, but I walk it off, I can actually shake it off and then get on with my own thing and very quickly too. I no longer have the desire to keep it and dwell on it. Too many people with too many issues. Tell me, is the overload actually working in a positive way for me? Or am I finally begining to learn?

For when all is said and done, there is not a lot I can do about anything anyway. I mean, it is not as if any of it is my responsibility, it is not as if any of the people involved want me to do anything about it either. No one else wants me to claim any piece, so why should I? And there is so much going wrong around me that it all gets too much, it is all too big to claim any hold on, it is actually easier to walk away and just look at it from a distance rather than get up close and make it personal. And as that is what others seem to want, well, who should I be to disappoint?

Lucifer, shall we take a nice walk? The day belongs to just you and I, the light is welcoming, there are places to go and visit and I am feeling adventurous.

Expectations fulfilled

Well, here we are dear angel. Interesting is it not? Just how easy this last little while actually was. In fact, if not for the necessity of dealing with outside influences, I actually think that I could have made it through unscathed. Look now, no negativity when conversations were had with one and not the other, no trying to prolong conversations, only the slightest of annoyance when got rid of quickly, at least in the main.
As for the other? Just negative reaction to the negative feedback given. Nothing that was not expected. Contact was not going to be made, and it was not forthcoming. Conversations were not going to be had, nor are they likely to eventuate. I have decided that I will not seek, either words or contact, as I will be less disappointed that way. Let us see how we go with that.

Response

Can you explain something to me Lucifer, as I am very confused.

I will try if I can. What is the issue?


Why is it that when I do not give response, then I can be accused of ignoring? There is a problem, I have an issue. Yet how many times have I tried to inititate correspondance, written and spoken words and had them ignored? Just how much of my trying to initiate conversation/correspondance has to go unanswered. It seems I have a problem if I complain about being ignored. I have a problem if I ignore.

I send messages by phone and computer and get no response. I learn to expect no reply and then am not to find it amusing that when I finally get acknowledgment of that it is to be told that my mail is read and in public and I am supposed to be careful about what I say? I am not to be surprised when I actually get response, given how many times I get reply? But I have to find it somewhat amusing. I do not laugh to mock. I laugh to hide the scream.

For look at comments made lately. To be told that there is nothing in his life that gives him any pleasure, any degree of happiness. That work and social life give no relief, nothing of any benefit. And who is a major part of both of those? Which can only tell me that I am not important, my being is useless. And then he gets upset when I doubt his words at times that he cares? For how can he care when I do nothing of benefit for him? One cannot have positive regard of something that is a big part of the situations that cause nothing but stress and grief. How can I feel positive when he does not like work or play, and that is where I am?

And then there is some indication of regret in giving those words. The son of Adam does not want to care, I believe. Or at the least, there are some serious problems associated with that. Yet he does not want me to accuse him of not caring. But he says there is no joy in his life. So how can I ask for his care? I do not want that which causes him pain.




You need to talk to him. Tell him this, work through these issues. There are too many conflicting messages trying to be interpreted.


Great theory Lucifer, but just how do I do that? He does not want to talk. That lesson is finally starting to sink in. Which is why I have decided that from now on I will just talk to you. I can say words that I feel I need to say, I can vent with no expectation. Here I can get no response from him so there is no reason to get uptight when no responses are forthcoming. He can read, find knowledge, but is under no obligation to do anything about it. I can accept the ignoring because that is the only outcome. When, how, if this is read is part of the great unknown. And with that I do not have to care what happens to it.

I could say it is more of the same old same old. But that is not quite so. Something is evolving.